She thrived on the attention, she loved having them all around her… She loved being in charge and she loved that no one knew… or did they???

After leaving home at 18, I didn’t look back and as I reflect on those 21 years before Homer, I am amazed at the life I have lived…

I was raped at 19 and pregnant… so I have a kid… who turns out to be a rocker and country music lover and plays more instruments than I could think of… and he lives in the town his grandmother and grandfather died in… That’s one choice, I will never understand… But it is his life and he has a right to make his own choices… At least he isn’t living at home… He turns 52 this labor day…

I get married to another guy a year after the birth of my kid… He cheats on me just before leaving for basic training… So…

I meet husband #2, we go to Italy… Major earth quake and we are sleeping on the flight line with numerous others in tents and I get pregnant, again… Yea you would think I learned… I did… birth control pills messed with me big time and we now know, that’s because of all my brain injuries and my brain healing for decades… Recent blood work was finally normal after all those decades… Guess the brain is healed???

By the time the baby is born, I am going in the Air Force 8 weeks after his birth… I had my appendix taken out at 6 months gestation, and because of that, they made me carry the brat 10 months… I had my tubes tied as soon as he was born… I was done being a baby factory…

Now all this time, my hormones are doing the craziest stuff to me, because unknown to any of us… I had been beaten to death and all kinds of horrible things done to a child and somehow survived… but I had not a clue, or did I???

I go active duty and that in it’s self is a story… I divorced, dated Hot shots who are fighter pilots, got gang raped by officers, in between my marriages and had a reputation all because… The men decided that was the way to protect themselves for being accused of rape… Attack me, a single mom of 2… Yep, Trump and Epstein are old news… This was circa 1978!!!!!

Well I get married a couple more times and get pushed out of the Air Force after my son is raped on a federal installation and the military covered it up and that too has a story of spooky kind of stuff and it saved the lives of hundreds… My actions saved lives!!!!!!!!… Because of a ghost!!!!!!!!!!!!???

So now I am out of the military, we are in Japan and all hell goes down becasue of SARS and I get super sick and we are back in USA and I divorce and remarry and divorce and here we are with Homer…

Now I hadn’t been to see my parents since 1983… So from 1983 to 1996, I kept in contact but I had lots of questions, why???

My brain had been waking up since 72 .. and I had questions and so did the VA and social security…

Well life goes on, we visit the folks and I realize in 2003 after a visit Don was dying and I knew… that was my time to get answers…

So we moved to Arkansas… Homer was sick, all kinds of things were going on… Me fighting the federal government, not once but 6 times and I am made permanent service conncected…

Okay how far ahead am I an what is this all about…

Remembering…

When Homer and I married, I started telling him stories about the family and he was still drinking, but the one thing he remembered before he quit drinking… The only time I heard from the family, when they needed something… Don and Freda knew I had a high IQ, they just had no clue how high…

During those years of 2003 after our move till 2006 watching Don and his death… I watched and I listened and when all the family got together… I learned and what I learned wasn’t enough to bring me out of the longing for family… That took this court mess that I deal with next month…

But, Freda would have all us kids running in and out, grandkids with their kids and it was organized chaos… Freda style and she would start talking about things in the past… for instance…

Freda made us a lot of doll clothes for our Barbie dolls and dolls was not my thing… Give me a tonka toy or shovel or anything but dolls… And she asked me if I remembered those toys… She also asked if I remembered putting a cup of salt in a cookie mix we were making… She also asked I I remembered Don being locked up….???? I could go on and on and on… But in reality…

Freda was triggering memory after memory after memory of my first 14 years of life…

She was fishing… She was testing to see what I remembered… She knew… She knew I had brain injury and she was testing me to see what I remembered..!!!!

The whole time I was in the military up till 1996, when I really started working on my amnesia… I knew I was missing memory, but I had no clue why and by that time 1996… I had the VA interested in testing me… Only problem, they did the wrong tests… It would take till 2019 for a MRI to show the brain trauma and damage and blood on my brain…

Freda gave me clues without realizing it and when I sat in her kitchen for the last time in 2010 and told her I was missing memory and that her child had raped my child… you would have thought I was talking to a statue… and it has taken me till now, with the court drama and the cruelty of my own siblings to realize how mentally ill my family really is… and why they will never have self awareness or critical thinking… brilliant minds dumbed down because of a god that bleeds blood… Yea… you can’t fix stupid…

Freda confirmed without realizing it, that I was missing memory and had amnesia…

I gave her the opportunity to own what she did to me as a child… I gave that same opportunity to my father and to my sister… I got no takers… 2 are dead… 1 won’t outlive me, so that will be 3 for 3 not owning the cruetly they did… But then I have 5 siblings living and right now… Not one would I take a bullet for… Not one…

Freda’s mental illness was so pervasive it, in the end, caused her death to be anything but gentle or dignified… The worst of us made sure of that…

I don’t have any more pain per say, emotionally when I think of the domestic violence or the deaths that have come before me… I feel sorry and pity those that couldn’t grow, because they couldn’t own what they did… Instead it owned them…

This was a long write, but it shows me, I can do it… I can sit down and work on the book and keep that train of thought as long as the med pot is in the other room, which it’s right beside me… so progress out of darkness continues…

I remember…

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