#53 My Guiding Light…

What’s your go too?? Religion, a god that no one will ever see, meet or greet or do you have a influencer on the internet or is it your brother or sister or maybe a mom or dad or grandparent??? None of those are my guiding light…

Not every day is filled with doom and gloom… I have a lot of dark thoughts, because, that’s how my brain works with looking at the past where I have a gapping hole of lost or forgotten memories… So It seems like I am always down and depressed, when that couldn’t be farther from the truth…

Most people who meet me, have straight up told me I am “sharp”, for what’s that’s worth and I am up beat, for what that’s worth…

I decided, when the TV interview beating happened at 5 or 6 years old, Freda and Don would never take my joy from me… They would never break me and they would never own me… Unlike how they owned my siblings and still do own them from the grave…

No, my life is filled with laughter and if you had 3; 10 month old rat terrier puppies running around your house, I promise, dry eyes isn’t a issue… we are always laughing at them and at ourselves…

I write about the dark side of this journey more than anything else, because!!!??????

I am Exorcising the past out of me and the only way to do that??? Be honest, be forthright and be straight up about all of it, because if I cut corners, I am hurting myself, not helping…

As the days slip by and each day I can tell my mental health is getting better and the way I look at the past and the way I look at the betrayal’s… Hasn’t changed much, but how they impacted me has…

Yes I was rapped, and it happened more than once and the last sexual assault was a couple months before Homer and I married… (it’s like I have a neon sign flashing that says, “attack, take, kill, kiss, assault, beat, destroy”, all welcomed!!! (christians are hated by me, more than you will ever imagine)!!!

Homer’s journey with the dementia is also a downer, but not all of it… Yes there are moments when I catch my breath, because something he said or did or couldn’t remember gives me a quick punch to the gut, but, he’s still here now and that is more important than the momentary gut wrenching moment that happened…

I know, as this continues and those who read the blog 9 years ago, know, I can write and it will rip your heart out when the pain hits, especially watching him slip away, I can convey it, as a reminder, it is here to stay, the memory of him slipping away…

My life is relatively set up the way I started setting it up, after my son left home at 16 and I realized, nothing was going to play out like my life played out… I couldn’t let anyone else take any control like my son did, ever again, and I have kept it that way for the last 36 years and because I did, I was able to grow, my family didn’t…

It was refreshing to watch Homer blossom with self awareness and critical thinking before the dementia moved in… If he could do it, so could our kids, if they listened… as you can see by my writing, they didn’t listen and I had to put boundaries in place to protect both of us…

Yea, the ups and downs of amnesia has left a lasting mark on my life and those that it touched… Over the decades, I walked away from relationships that were not returned and chose myself over them… That included the kids…They have to want to be a part of my life, not the other way around… because, I gave them life…

So, though I talk a great deal about the dark side, it’s only dark when I write and when I allow the darkness to spread into my thoughts and when that happens, sometimes I can fight my way out of it in minutes and sometimes it can take weeks…

This time it took weeks to work my way out of it, but that’s all because of the court clerk in Arkansas screaming at me… (honestly just because you have a elected office job, doesn’t mean you can treat people like crap and her screaming at me, yea my heart is racing, but I took a deep breath and I own the moment… and the courts can shove it where the sun don’t shine… I could care less about what they do… I never had the jewelry or the money and I was never told she was dying… So, nope… I am kicking them out of residence in my head and moving on)…

On another note, I went back on blue sky under my real name and I used the pic of Homer and I… within a month I had over 300 follower’s and 90% were from the original 16,000+ that was following me… What got me, not everyone, I knew, followed me back and they were all women… (Yea, there’s a blog about that or I may need to write it)…

Even that little bit of rejection can play into the mental health side that I am working on and like I always tell my grandkids… The only opinion that matter’s about you, is your own opinion… Because that is the only standard you should judge yourself against… other wise, you’ll learn nothing from life by making those mistakes, because in the end, the only one there for you….???? Is “YOU”….

I remember…