Amnesia is like contracting dementia… Only difference, with amnesia, you have a opportunity to remember, dependent upon the cause for the amnesia…

When I talk about my amnesia, it is not all inclusive… No, it’s isolated and that is why I knew I was missing memory… Because it was isolated and it left a gap in the memories I did have…

As I remember it and bear with me, because I am going to let myself go back there and type as I remember…

Circa 1968 fall… out side Johnson AFB, Japan… Off base housing…

“As I came in the door of that Japanese house, walls so thin, you could hear Don snore down the street at night… and Freda is pissed off about something, as usual she says something to me and me, being me, in all my glory and bravado after dying in Texas the year before I said, what ever I said and pissed her off and out of her mouth…”

“Wait till your father gets home”…

Don walks in the door, Freda whines too him and no one stops and thinks, dude you were just locked up for beating me to death and you are going to hit me again!!!! HOW STUPID ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!??????? (yea, believe me, those thoughts went through my brain at 14 as he headed for me)…

He starts down the hall taking off his 2 inch leather belt, my sister standing in the living room grinning like a cheshire cat… and he grabs my arm….

“As he swings all 280 pounds of himself aginst a 100 pound 14 year old girl, my neck went into overdrive on whiplash and I screamed for all I was worth screaming and the preacher next door hide”!!!!!!!!

When Don let me go, I didn’t hear her snearing words or threats, I didn’t hear Don… All I heard… was stroke, stroke, stroke!!!!

I WAS HAVING A STROKE!!!!!!!

As I stood by the bed, the bleed on my brain smothering my memories, I told myself the mantra (see early blog) and that mantra was to remind me of who did this too me and why!!!!

The memories I am missing are specific, they are mostly realted to violence… and if it’s any kind of good memory connected to the family, it always leads to violence…

I lost school, or most of it as far as the school, class’s, education or teachers… and after the last blow to my head at 17, that cost me my high school memories, or at least the majority of them including my best friend and my first love…

So I have memories, but their is nothing consistent in any time line and time lines are my nemesis… They can frustrate me when trying to figure out when something happened… and that’s not as bad as it used to be… Things are clearing up…

But!!!

I am not getting any information that would fill in the gaps in my memory system and that’s what the neurologist wanted me to understand, there is a chance I will never regain what I lost to those bleeds on the brain… and thanks to my siblings pulling their domestic violence during Fredas illness and after her death… A lot of that has actually cleared up…

But nothing to fill in the holes that have been there since the first stroke and that’s what is a real bugger…

I remember…

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