Seeing the world through anything but a clear lens will lead you down paths you may not want to take, because your view of the world is blurry…

Back in 19 when I had my cataract surgeries, Homer accidentally shaved off one of his eyebrows…

I never noticed!! Why??? Because my view of the world was clouded and obstructed by my own body… It made the cataracts and it made my world blurry for quite some time…

I am experiencing that now in my right eye, 6 years later and it feels so much like the way my brain feels… All fuzzy, not clear or concise, but confused and frustrated with the blur….

Fighting my way out of amnesia is like my fighting to see through a clouded lens that is artifical and in my eyeball for life (thus the laser treatment today to give me back my vision)…

I can’t use a laser on my brain!!!!

Lately I have been waking up in the middle of the night with a migraine and I know it’s because of the PTSD nightmares that are being triggered by the Arkansas court system… (I really find that a very corrupt state, I lived there!!!)

Because these nightmares are not trauma related, it’s a jumble of blurry visions that make no sense and are nothing more, than to mess up my night and mess it up it is… I am taking a nap daily, because I am so fatigued!!!

Homer has made it possible for me to spend time writing, but I gotta be able to see and right now, that’s a issue… What he can’t help me with, is the jumble of memories that are hitting me causing me loads of confusion…

Thus PTSD nightmares!!!

I never, over the decades, doubted that I lost my memory when the bleed happened on Japan at 14 years old, now I am not so sure… Something about this tells me, science agrees… Those brain bleeds happened more than once and didn’t stop… when I think they stopped…

Science says only I can tell when and how many and because I get that, I gave myself migraines and myself PTSD nightmares, because I am fighting myself to get the answers and in the process, created my own chaos…

So that all being said…

Memory loss happened after the last blow to my head at 17… and it happened before I went active duty in 1977… So from 1971 to 1977??? Nope….

My guess, brain bleed at 8 years old thus near death, brain bleed at 13, when Don beat me to death and nearly killed Larry, brain bleed at 14 on Japan after that beating and I knew I was having a stroke… and the last blow to my head at 17 gave me one and up to that point… I am relatively positive….

I remembered….. Everything…

Then Japan in the 80’s, and sometime around 86 give or take a year, SARs hit and people were dying and I contracted it….. and the next thing I know, we are being sent back to the USA for humanitarian reasons…. (Did I have another stroke)???

But, all the memory wasn’t gone and my selling my house in Moreno Valley tells me, because I paid my ex for the motor cycle my brother stole(circa 1990)…. so WHEN????

Since Homer and I married in 94, he has heard my stories and about my memory loss and about how the family only reached out when they needed my IQ!!!

If this write is confuisng to you, sit in my chair for a few!!!

I expect, once the court makes a choice and it’s official, that’s when all this will melt away and the chaos that I am experiencing in thought process with the past will clear up…(Not my first rodeo with chaos)…

The day is up and going… The migraine finally quit, though moving my head doesn’t feel good, but I know… The end is coming and when it does… I am going to have fun writing and figuring out what format to use to do the book…. or if I want to put the story on line and let life take it’s toll on those involved, oh yea that won’t work… they are dropping like flies…

Have a awesome day, mine is busy…

I remember…

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