I can’t begin to say how many times I said, “the train left without me”… when it came to something I was thinking about or something I was doing or something I was writing about…

The time line wouldn’t be cohesive and when that train pulled out of the station, leaving me chasing that caboose, I knew, I had memory gaps… but it took me nearly 20 years to figure that out, after the last blow to my head at 17, on Okinawa…(read the blog)…

When I go back to Japan, at Johnson AFB off base housing, when the stroke happened after that beating… I know, with everything I am, I know… I remembered everything… up till that bleed…

That mantra I speak of, telling me to remember specific events (again, read the blog in order) was all I could muster to remember… Keep in mind the year before the bleed, Don got locked up in a psych evaluation for 30 days for beating me to death and nearly killing my brother… My body, still was recovering and this was 1968/69, when the bleed happened…

Chaos would be the norm from 1972 till 2017… That’s a long amount of time, to live and function in society, while fighting to remember and stop the chaos…

I remember seeing a shrink at the Little Rock, VA and he said to me, “you don’t trust anyone”, and I looked at him and laughed and said…

“Why should I??? Trust is earned, not given”… I never went back to see him again… PTSD was foreign to these so called smart people… that was circa 2005…

Why did I throw trust in the mix… Because I asked questions… for decades I asked my mother, Freda… I asked my supposed sister and I let other family spew, what little they knew… 95% of what was said, wasn’t true… I knew that before the memory trigger, but without proof… it’s speculation…

They proved it in spades before Freda even died…

So, I struggle with time lines… once the memory trigger happened, many of the details I had searched for, fit into place…

Since filing court papers against my mother’s estate… the family if you can call them that, helped to put more of the time lines in proper perspective…

I am not done yet, and that is the big reason for not writing… I am working my way through memories that once were vivid and are now faded… and I worry, I won’t be able to retrieve what I need from them…

Psychology tells us, that forgetting some events in our lives is a good thing… It’s good for our mental health, because we don’t sit an dwell over it… I know I did that with some of my memories and I am not too sure, I can retrieve what once was…

I have to let the process take it’s course… The brain doesn’t work like Hal 5000, no it’s a lot more complex and fascinating….

I remember…

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