When I see my eyes looking back at me, in any picture that was taken before I was an adult… I see now what I saw then…

WHY???

That is a question that will never get answered and I can speculate, based on Freda’s history and Don’s history… but that’s making excuses for adults hurting children, because they were hurt as kids…

Fight or flight mechanism is one that can make doctor’s think you have Cushing’s disease and that’s a whole lot of Cortisol going through your body, all the time… our old pup died from it last summer… My test was negative… circa 2011…

From 1955 till April 2026, I lived in that mode of fight or flight and had panic attacks with just a simple thought or by being around certain people or going into federal buildings or closed up in a small room or getting a phone call out of the blue…

Fight or flight was so powerful… It took a recent event, me filing court papers and the subsequent actions of those involved, put me over the edge and I was in full panic mode for about a month… and I scrambled to cover my ass, because I knew, I had made mistakes…

Once I got hold of myself and did some deep down searching, that aha moment came and the final piece of the puzzle on my physical and mental health fell into place…

As that power took over, the fight or flight mechanism died the death it should have had after the central spinal cord injury my mother would give me and daddy dearest forgave her…

His love for her never waivered, even when she gave birth to a child in that oil refinery town… and my fight or flight would come full circle saving that child…

It’s rare they tell me, for someone who smoked 30 years at 3 packs a day, to not have lung or heart issues and my echo has been at 55 for a couple decades… I am pushing 72… Those panic attacks, that I had no clue why or how, kept my cardio active, in other words, when they do a Stress test via a drug, it does what the fight or flight mechanism does, now imagine living that every day for 70 years???!!!

When I understood what and why, that was when I could take hold and say, “no more”…

I recognize it, and I own it… It no longer owns me… That means my cardio is up to me and my brain and not my fight or flight mechanism…

I know it will rear it’s ugly head in the rest of my life… We can’t avoid everything that happens around us… but to know, what a toddler understood, yea, I can only imagine what she would have done in life if she had been given the opportunity…

I remember…

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