I wrote a few months ago, after the court clerk screamed at me, I was finding my way back and how could one act, in 71 years of life have such a impact???

I have no answer, but I have an idea….

We know Freda injured my spinal cord before the age of one and we know that the TV interview at the Kansas children’s TV show was the catalyst for the beating at 5 years old, which encompassed my head to my feet with that upholstery ruler….

We also know, that at 13, I had no problem having a smart ass reply for Freda’s stupid fights she started, for no other reason, she, as an adult, was incapable of controlling her emotions…

When Don knocked me across the room on Okinawa at 17 years old… and that timeline is looking more like it was 72, because of what Don pulled to get reassigned back to America…

We know I stood up to Don and Freda Bagwell on Okinawa and our relationship was never the same after that…

So, obviously, I wasn’t concerned, as a kid, about standing up to my abusers…. So where and when did paranoia set in???

Can I say for certainty that I didn’t have any paranoia before 17 years old, no, because I did the baptismal thing twice, so I was paranoid about displeasing the Bagwell’s fake god, but I got past that point of no return by the time we left Japan in 70…

But when you look at the paranoia from childhood, it is totally different from the paranoia I lived for the last 55 years… and here is why…

Even as a kid, I reasoned and look for facts to back up most anything, but I also had that indoctrination of religion and most of all the Ozzy and Harriet illusion at home…

Upon leaving home and no more veiled threats by Freda… I started living….

From the time of the TV interview beating, till now, one thing has been constant, a physical feeling of dread that was a chemical overload in my brain and I did everything I could to silence that dread… Lets put it this way… I can drink a sailor under the table at one time… (I didn’t like the puke after, so no addiction for me)…

Realizing I couldn’t silence the paranoia, I had to pursue it for decades and figure out why I had it and the battle royale that went on at times, is as bad as living with someone with dementia… Oh, did I mention, my husband has Lewy Body dementia!!!

The psychological part that I went through because of something that happened at 5 years old, finally got a answer at the ER 8 days ago and tests are forthcoming…

Pancreas…

(I really do get a kick out of the wanna be shrinks on line… I went through this back in March or April and someone jumped on me about paranoia, I cut them off… Judge your own journey and quit being so arrogant that you think your opinion about mine has value… Only to you, not me…

Remember…. ??? This isn’t your journey, it is mine…

Anyhow… I also said a while back that the calmness, the serenity of the child, who’s picture, reflects her true personality, is coming out of the shadows, but with a chip on her should and bat, to knock it out of here…

Why the write…???

The paranoia is gone… For now and it’s gone, because my body quit producing the chemical the brain was feeding on and once the fight or flight was done, the paranoia melted away… A new calm…

If the pancreas has created these issues all these decades, it will explain a lot of medical issues that developed after the beating at 5 years old and it’s a testament to the intelligence I was born with, not to take my life, during some of the most hellish time I spent on this planet and that would have never happened no matter how dark my world got, for one reason only…

I wanted to outlive the very people who tried to break a 5 year old child…. (I really hate christians… nothing good ever comes from illusions)…

The mental health side of this journey of decades of abuse, is full circle… I still have some knee jerk reactionary behavior to work on, but as time pass’s, that behavior becomes a thing of the past and the old Maggi shines….

I doubt the Pancreas enzyme test will be negative… I asked doctors about personality changes when a flare up was happening and because I didn’t present with pancreas issues, no one thought to test me for it… EVER!!!!!

Few drops of blood and a stool test at home, no one ever had me do a test at home, except for colon cancer, EVER!!!!

Anyhow… As I prepare our foods and I shop for food, I now look at chocolate, milk, cheese with a different view… I look at meat and my recipes and know, those will come off the menu if medications don’t help… We like our food hot and spicy…

I do know one thing, this isn’t gerd that is causing the intense pain… I have read so much for the last week, to be sure I am on the right trail of information to go with the health history and everything points back to a beating… on a 5 year old… My gerd symptoms go away real fast, my pancreas on the other hand, well, I have felt that tightness for so long, it’s when it’s not happening I wonder what is happening and now I know, it’s the pancreas… Not the stomach or gerd…

Ya know the only symptom I never had that I am aware of??? Jaundice… Out of all the symptoms for Pancreatitis, that is the only one I didn’t have… and not one doctor figured it out… (we pay how much for doctors???)

The day is up, sleep is non existent and I am hoping to see a doctor soon and get the MRI also… but the VA has more important things to do in Biloxi and that’s rebuild building’s, make it all fancy, which the ER was high tech, but what we really need???…

Health care… not a fancy building or high tech, we need health care…

I remember…

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