Not exactly sure what is happening, but with my memories and with my multiple brain injuries and neurologist wanting to know more of the psychological part of my journey than anything else… My brain still does what it wants… Which it did just now…

I flashed on my 2nd baptism…

When I chose to do the ritual again, I was around 9 or 10 years old and this would have been after the first near death and I wanted to know why this god Freda and Don said was so real, rejected me!?!?!

I died… I wasn’t breathing, I wasn’t remembering or making memories, I was dead!!!

I didn’t see a god or hear song or see family or anything…

It was silence, it was blank, it was death…

Freda said to me when I said I wanted to be baptised again, “but you already been baptised”…

I simply said I wanted to do it again… My faith, not her’s was leading me and my brain was about to find out what a joke on me that faith was…

By this time, Freda has injured my spinal cord at 1 year old, beat me black, blue and purple at 5 years old and now at 9… I had seen death, because of Freda…

When her god didn’t respond to my questions why it didn’t keep me after the 2nd baptism… I started walking away from Freda’s god of lies…

By the time I went in the Air Force I was almost done with belief in man’s gods and by the time that adventrue was over… I was done…

My first 29 years of life, no longer believed in mans gods, but believed in herself…

Up to that point in life, I remembered everything but those specific memories of Freda, that I have to acknowledge, I probably will never get them back and the amnesia will walk with me till my final curtain call…

Then SARS hits the far east in the 80’s and well, the last 4 decades have been a interesting ride trying to recall my life in technicolor… Throw in a botched surgery at El Paso VA in 2011… Yea, this has not been fun…

I am still fuzzy about Japan, time lines only… I know the Air Force sent us back to the USA because of what all the doctors recommended and my journey to remember would begin in earnest by the time Homer and I got married in 94…

Here we are…

I am adjusting to the lack of real depression… Yes I get sad, we all do, but I don’t live with a feeling of oppression or deep anxiety or fear or chaos in my brain anymore… In fact something new is happening…

Sleep…

I never have slept without dreaming, even if it is a nap… My brain never slows or stops, it is always running a race and waiting on me to catch up…

It’s only been a couple nights, but I have been able to go back to sleep after waking up at 4AM and get a couple more hours rest…

I haven’t been in this mode since before SARs on Japan in the 80’s…

This long COVID, I can’t argue against it, it’s real, I lived it since I had SARs on Japan and if you have brain injuries and get this crap… (I feel for you, boy do I feel for you, this has been awful)…

It didn’t stop me from living, but it sure took a lot more out of me to live… Especially when we started flipping houses and I had to know city codes and laws and everything else involved with working on homes… and we did okay… Our properties sold in hours or days… (we were that good)…

The moral of this story???

When Freda questioned me about the 2nd baptism, that set my brain on the journey of why would she question anyone about their faith… It wasn’t hers!!! But she questioned me!!!

I never let them question me again after that… I wasn’t 10 years old and my brain said… “We have a problem and it’s not her god, it’s her”…

Ya know, it’s soooo captivating as my brain refresh’s on all my memories… Not as chaotic as it was before the first near death and I think my photographic memory is still working…

Not 100%, the neurologist didn’t think it was all there because of where the TBI is located on the brain injury… But it’s still there, but updated to work with my new operating system…

Me…

I really wish I knew how to convey the changes I am going through now that I know my birth family is dead to me for good… All those years thinking I was missing something instead… I am the only Trump Bagwell kid that walked away from the corruption of their god and their manifesto’s… So relieved I chose a different path… So relieved…

Mental health is adjusting to the fullness of my world in my brain… No gaps, maybe some fuzzy time lines… But no gaps in my memory…

Only those memories I lost when the brain bleed happened at 14… My early blog from 2017 talks about that, one of these days I will unzip those files and load them into this blog… One of these days…

Happy with my progress, wish my short term memory was a lot better, especially with faces and names… what I understand, that’s a direct result from my brain injury… so, I quit feeling guilty if I don’t remember someone on social media or in person… It took me over a year to recognized my neighbors on either side of us… Homer will tell you, it is a real problem for me and I feel guilt because I feel I am ignoring someone, when in reality…

I don’t remember you…

That’s traumatic brain injury…

I remember…

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