I hope you never experience what I have lived since I was 14… Not remembering… A hole so big, grand canyon is tiny to the vast emptiness of those 14 years lost…

As I worked my way out of brain fog, from SARs, Covid and a botched anesthesia on the operating table at El Paso VA… All I wanted???

Was me back…

I have fought my way out of this nightmare of traumatic brain injuries and bleeds on the brain since the first bleed happened at 14…

I was put in a box that only a spell of significant pain could break through and I marvel at the audacity of the Bagwell family and their out right barbaric behavior… But, that’s what christians do… Believe in barbaric rituals and dismiss humanity, as they never learned what that word meant…

Homer has been to hell and back with me… He has seen me so angry that even he wasn’t sure he would survive…

My oldest said one time to me, back in 1988/89 that he once thought I was the coolest mom… Even to this day, I want to pop him upside the head and tell him reality is nothing that you think it is…

My son only knew what he thought, not what he knew about me and he pulled a stunt in 2013 that showed me the kind of man he was… As for the other son… So much like his father…

So my sons don’t even know me, they are too deep into themselves to be aware of anything else… They are nothing like Homer…

When I met Homer I told a girlfriend I was going to marry him and she nearly freaked and said you don’t wanna marry him, his mom is Nova and that lady was a story full for that little town of Omak… But it wasn’t her I planned to marry…

It was Homer…

I knew when I met him he was different and he has shown me, he is worth my sticking around with him till the end…

Lewy Body is what it is called… and one moment they are here and the next they are gone and it’s a shock to them that they left and didn’t know it…

We have days like that daily now… It doesn’t last long and by evening, when things settle down, so does his brain and the routine kicks in and night fast approaches…

Homer’s dementia is changing on him… Not in a rapid way, but in a way, the changes are more noticeable and some days, you wouldn’t know he had the disease… and those are the moments I grab the memories we make and let go of the ones that are a reminder of what is happening…

Changes with Homer are subtle, but I see them and I know as they build, so will the moments in time that I will search and grab anything that breaks the cycle of the dementia…

The most scary thing about all this isn’t his disease… It’s the money… What is coming to our country will set us back a long time and it will be hard and many will die, but there won’t be help for me, unless I can pay for it… Reality… It is setting up house…

Then those days, take it one day at a time and live for that day…

I remember…

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