Freda had a set of encylopedias… Us dirt poor, but we had those and one of the very few pleasant memories I have of her… She is reading us nursery rhymes and stories… Larry wasn’t in the picture, it was just me and sis and I remember it was pleasant…

Fight or flight is something I have lived with since the first injury Freda gave me before I was 2 years old… That central spinal cord injury would be an enigma for a long time…

When the Endo doc at El Paso VA put me through the tests for Cushings I knew what she was looking for and I knew… I didn’t have a disease… I had PTSD…

That PTSD would and still does haunt me… between the domestic violence by Freda, and Don and the subsequent rapes… Yea, life isn’t always a vase full of roses… Though Freda often said, I could fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose and that’s true… Why???

Because of the way I live my life… No gods, just as much humanity as I got and wanting to be treated the way I treat you…

Ever since the court clerk yelled at me, I went through weeks of hellish panic attacks and I really had to take a deep dive into what I could see of my past and confront the triggers, so they no longer controlled me, but I was the one in control… 69 years of that knee jerk behavior… Oh you have no idea how good it feels to be in control… It’s delicious..!!

This afternoon, go figure, after I shut my office down, email comes in with court dates and I nearly fell through the floor and the puppies are playing, which I hear them now and I am trying to think and trying to find Homer and trying to get the calendar and never loss my cool during all of that…

I won… and I hear Homer trying to quite the puppies… It’s changed…

Decades of domestic violence and military coverups… the PTSD… It’s changing… and you know it’s changing if you know yourself… and I know me…

So I gave the court options and will wait and see what happens… Homer nearly panicked when I told him road trip, so, even if I want to be there… I probably can’t… His dementia is also changing and I can’t leave him alone, he will end up in trouble or hurt… Life doesn’t always play the way you want, but in the end…

I did accomplish what I set out to with the family… Now they understand why our parents called me when they needed help and when they wanted to do wrong against other’s, I never heard of it… Sad and pathetic it truly is… Talented people who lived a lie…

I remember…

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