Neurology has told me and so has the psychologist, I suffer from clinical depression or at least I used to suffer from it… I always asked, why do I have “Clinical Depression”??? They could never answer, until I talked a doctor into doing a contrast brain MRI and there it was…

Moderate TBI on the right frontal lobe, a brain bleed(s) not far from it, I have to look at the MRI report on it’s exact location, but the bleed had spread on the right side of the brain and every radiologist told me straight up, “Don’t know when they happened or how many”, bleeds that is and that is what I have been forcing myself to go back and look at…

When did I lose memory and what memeory did I lose???

When the stroke hit after the beating on Japan, in off base housing… I remembered… I remembered every dirty rotten sick perverse act my parents and sibling did… I REMEMBERED!!!!!!

By the time we got to Okinawa, I still remembered everything and it made it very easy at 17, to stand up to them and let them know…

No you aren’t going to strike out or verbally or do anything anymore to me… (That didn’t sit well with Freda, mom)…

When Don knocked me across the room at the Naha AFB housing, that’s when I told him, “Ever touch me again and you are a dead man”… and walked out the door… read the blog in order it tells you about this event…

Even after that event… 1971… I REMEMBERED!!!!!

So when did the amnesia really start???

I am not sure…

I know by the time I left home in 1972, I still remembered everything… or at least I think I did… and there in lies my problem…

When did things go awry to the point, I forgot the majority of my first 18 years of life???

Was it the last blow to my head and I had a incident away from home, was that when the bleed happened???

Or was it when I got SARs on Japan in the 80’s and nearly died???

I know I have told Homer since the start of our marriage, things weren’t right in my memories and that the only time I ever heard from the family, “when they needed to use my brain”…

My neighbor, a RN, African American mom of 4 and she calls me always upbeat… Always happy or projecting a sense of well being…

It’s a nice compliment, but it shows that I hide conflict and trauma very well and always have and being down and miserable, I have enough of depression to remind me, it’s not where I want to live…

Being called upbeat isn’t all that bad, but it belies the reality I am living…

If I can project such behavior after gang rapes, 2 near deaths at the hands of christians and decades of abuse….

Imagine what the criminals like Trump have gotten away with for centuries and we pay for it… No different than the house I grew up in… They aren’t christians, they are criminals…

So if people see me as upbeat, that tells me, they aren’t interested in knowing the real person, only what they see projected and because of that, religion is a easy trap… so is propaganda…

I know you and all of us are very tired from all the subliminal now in your face messaging… If we don’t vote them out… We won’t escape in my lifetime…

Day is started, the PTSD is having fun at night and the world continues to spin regardless how I feel… so…

Live for Today…

I remember…

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