When Rose colored lens go Opaque…#32

Mental health is so important, we as humans ignore it, regularly and we resort to coping mechanisms that are anything but productive or beneficial, but a resource of drugs, alcohol and religion is supposed to make it all better, when reality is a lot easier and less messy than drugs, religion or alcohol, but throw in human codependencies, well you get a cluster fuck of human emotions and contradictions…

Self doubts play with your rationality and cohering on the part of religion or made up science on implementing sex change via religion… Where am I going with this???

Be you!!! Be yourself and not what you think other’s want you to be!!! I wish I had gone there, instead of this journey of romantic ideas of family that never existed….

When I sat in Freda’s kitchen in 2010, before we left the state for good, I told her I was missing memory and I also told her, her daughter raped my kid…

If wax was in living form, Freda was a statue as I made those statements and you could see, the vacant look she projected was already working on how to use that information to her advantage… Little did she know, it would back fire on her spectacularly and on my siblings…

My frustration with everything I have talked about for the last few years, before I shut the old blog down… Reconciling the past with my memory and it took the death of my mother and subsequent greed of my half sister, to do just that and it has not been a fun 18 months since her death…

I imagine next week the court, in that christian southern state will make a decision…

After the county clerk screamed at me, for a form I put in my package… I was done… PTSD reared it’s head from that moment on and I went through hell not unlike the hell I lived in that christian home and I was done…

Anything the lawyer from my niece sent me, I scanned but didn’t bother reading, except the last page, where they want to take my inheritance for their corruption…

Yea, screamed at, being stolen from and abused… Sounds christian to me…

It has bugged me to no end and I really had to work at the mental health part of all this and that included the paranoia that always traveled with me and for good reason…

They used a lawyer, I didn’t need too… I had nothing to prove, except wanting to resolve my mother’s estate and never brought up the money I would recieve but impressed upon the court, it was on my dime and you know what…???

The court’s didn’t bother to read anything, but the County court clerk did and she is the one that called and screamed at me… (Yea my PTSD went into overdrive for 7 weeks and is just now resolving)… That’s what people in power do, fuck with you and she did and I walked…

I don’t care what the court in Arkansas does now… I don’t care about the ugly jewelry I gave my mother, I don’t care about the ancestorial pictures that are not related to these people stealing from me… I DON’T CARE!!!!!!!!

Yea, I have lost enough sleep over this stupidity… and that is the crux of this whole nightmare I have lived with amnesia…

Thanks to my 5 siblings and their corrupt religion…

They gave me my life back and it doesn’t include them….

So I sit and wait for some documentation from the court… If I am not the executor, then I can shred everything I don’t need and continue on with my life and accept that christians are the most corrupt and violent people I have ever known on earth and that’s a fact…

My romantic idea of family is finally buried where it belong’s… My reality with our children and grandchildren have been through clear lenses since their births… I finally got there with the people who repeatedly threw me under the bus with my brother… all because they were and are cowards…

Fear is the mind killer and I will face my fears and let them pass through me, so all that remains… is “ME”… about damn time!!!

Not sure how or what direction the writing will go, kind of busy with the home, dogs and Homer…

The last couple of months, me working my way through the mental health side of this, while still taking care of everything else going on in this household… was a much needed task that I’ll probably be working my way through till there is nothing left to work with…

Homer keeps telling me, start the book with:

The murder of 26 innocent people in Sutherland Springs, Texas by a airman on November 5, 2017… Would be the trigger to my memory of my own death in Big Springs, Texas by my airman father….

On November 7, 2017, I would tell Homer, how on that hot night in Big Springs, Texas a baby born not of my dad’s blood would cost me mine and my brother’s lives…in 1968…

I remember…