Amnesia or Memory Loss???

Do you remember in detail or general information???

Ever do a police line up and have to identify someone, based upon your memory and how often were you right???

One thing about this journey to remember… It’s not text book in any way, it’s not even text book per Freud… Why???

Because according to the neurologist, I don’t make memories the way you do or the way he does…

I make memories in a very unique way and it’s one that has confused me since the stroke at 14, when Don beat me into a brain bleed and things changed in my brain, to survival mode…

When did I know I was missing memory or had a memory gap…???

I would say by the time I went in the military, I had a clue, something was off…

I didn’t know at that time that my hormones, which I didn’t do the woman thing till I was nearly 17 and then it only lasted from 1969 till 1979, when the Air Force took out my organs…

So my hormones, weren’t natural and because my brain was in healing mode and I had over 25 brain traumas, my brain wasn’t acting like yours or the text books… No it was acting on my behalf to uncover the crimes that had been committed against me by christians…

The hormone issue, started the journey to remembering, why??? According to the science, that’s what gave my brain a boost to fight, to balance it’s self into normal activitiy and it would take, from the last brain bleed at 17 years old on Okinawa till this last summer 2026 for that to happen…

It took from 1971 till now for my brain to say, okay, we are at the station and now it’s time to start unzipping those files that we have been protecting for decades, because ????

I am ready to see them???…

But then, I always have been ready to see those memories of Freda’s crazy behavior…

You want to talk hormones on a scale unlike anything ever before…. Live in my parents house… It was anything but fun… Freda’s hormone issues were ongoing from the time I was born till her onset of dementia in her 80’s…

She never did live in the real world…

I have no fear of facing the memory that was buried under the brain bleeds… In fact, I want them so bad, I have been giving myself headaches at night, searching for them in my dreams, when the barrier to perserve isn’t there and my desire to discover is…

Trying to do that during my waking hours, never works, unless the house is quiet and my brain is in the right frame of mind… Pot will do that, but not very often… It has to be a memory that has been working it’s way forward… Pot just lowers my defenses… or my inner self is kicked aside…

When I say I live with amnesia, it’s not becuase I forgot the past… It’s because I have a gap in my 72 years of life and when you have photographic memory ability!!!! It’s like trying to operate a computer system with errors… You are going to have hiccups and that’s what I am experiencing… Hiccups in my memory or in the video of my 72 years of life… It has a glitch and I want to fix that glitch and finish the puzzle pieces once and for all….

Now neurology didn’t think, after so many decades I would remember much of anything else and my last appointment with the neuro/psychologist was in 2020, before we moved off the big island… 6 years later and here we are and the only thing missing…

Those years from my birth in 54 to 1971…. Not all of them… Only specific days… Specific memories, specific moments… Will I ever remember them???

Good question…. I still don’t remember my best friend Robin Ackley from Johnson AFB, Japan and I barely remember my first love SSgt Dave L. Hansen… he was one hell of a looker… and I have virtually no memory of holidays, or birthdays or any celebrations during those first 17 years of life…

But I have memories outside the home… Just not inside… and that’s, what is pushing me, to that threshold of that doorway…

My guard is down…

There is no more family drama to enter my world that can sway those memories now…

There is no more life left to lie about the truth…

There are no more christians in my life…

Living my life on my terms, in my way, took decades, because the narrative was always controlled by those who want ownership of anything but their own lives…

Figuring out how to write this story, it comes down to sitting here and doing it… Time isn’t on my side right now… but when it does happen…

I will remember…