I Lost My Obsession??

For decades I have been obsessed with finding those lost memories from before I turned 14 years old and the bleed on the brain from Don’s beating me!!!

Didn’t think of anything else, except normal living moments or work moments, but my free time from living life and working…

I thought of those lost memories and why I didn’t trust the woman I called mother…???

When the memory trigger happened on the Big Island of Hawaii, I had been remembering more and more of my past, but I was still missing a large cache of memories and those memories revolved around… “Mother”… Freda…

When she contacted me on Hawaii to get her money back, she didn’t know I had remembered my past and the only thing still missing…???

Those first 14 years of life and those memories were pivotal to what happened up till her death…

Her email to me was I want to get my money back and don’t know how to do it without causing more problems… (Dementia was in the house… Her confusion and trying to misdirect on who had taken what, told me volumes… I was living with dementia in my husband, he has Lewy Body)….

When I told her she wouldn’t like my methods on getting her money back, I knew, she didn’t remember our conversation nor did she remember Don (Dad) telling her important information about protecting herself…

I contacted the State of Arkansas elder abuse and of course, my mother went on to lie to them when they contacted her and then I get a email cutting me off and she deletes my phone number and here we are going on her 2nd year of death and the family stole over a $100,000 from her… and the state let them… Arkansas is a very sick state, Huckabee is govenor…

Anyway, my obsession…

I have lost it and can’t seem to find it or get motivated over it or anything else…

Well, the book is always there in front of me, but Steven King I am not… Writing a book is not the easiest thing I ever did…

Homer keeps telling me to start the book at the moment of the memory trigger, and he has a good point, it is a good start… But how do I go from there??? There is so much corruption, not only in the christian base, but in the military and the federal service…

It’s not the organizations that are corrupt, it’s the people… Only they can corrupt… End of story… Only humans can corrupt and they are teaching AI exactly how to exterminate us… (I am all for digging, but to where???)

Because I am not focused on the past anymore, thanks to all the mental health I went through the last 19 months since Freda died… I am trying to figure it all out and get back to writing…

No PTSD nightmares, except arguing with myself and sometimes losing, but those dreams aren’t violent and they don’t show me anything from the past, they are just dreams that fade on waking… PTSD, those nightmares stay vivid after waking…

My best bet… I get it figured out, work on the book and send it to the neurologist and see if I got my recovery right…

Since seeing him, I figured out the compartment syndrome in all limbs thanks to all the testing that was done, we know I have it in my legs, they been cut on, my arms not happening, surgery that is…

We know I have stenosis through out my whole spine, I have blunt force truama through out my skeletal, I have diagnoised peripheral neuropathy, I have muscle damage, I have whip lash damage to my neck from repeated beatings, I have a moderate TBI on the right frontal lobe, 2 subesequent bleeds on the brain and I don’t know if the SARs event on Japan in the 80’s caused a stroke, that takes a special MRI test, where they grade the blood on it’s iron and can date it… very expensive test…

There is more, but this early in the morning, that’s what popped up first…

My body is covered in injuries and my brother got 70% from the VA for PTSD and I got nadda and I am the one that protected them… (Yea tell me about equality in USA when he says a god is real, he’s a preacher after the Air Force)… throw up big time!!!! Oh yea and sis got slapped once!!!

I digress… Which means I am done… Have a wonderful day… I got to go hunting for ideas to write about…

I remember…