I can’t count how many people over the years have told me I am up beat, sunshine, happy go lucky and I realize…

Maybe they are right and I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, because of decades of depression…

I don’t feel depressed… I feel tired and I know that will always be a part of my existence because of all the brain trauma…

I don’t feel doom or gloom and when that feeling creeps in because of today’s politics, I cut that off, till it is no longer a dark cloud in my world…

My depression was not only from mental and physical trauma, it was also from a moderate TBI on my right frontal lobe, brain bleeds in the same region and multiple blows to my head all before I was 15 years old…

By the time I was 18… I had stood up to my parents from the get go and thus the repeated beatings trying to break me…

They went to their graves broken…

Both Don and Freda Bagwell… and they dragged my older half brother with them and the other’s are not long before they follow…

You live a corrupt life, it will take you when you least expect it and not in a pleasant way… Life makes you pay and death is the final payment…

As for the depression… Ever since the brain fog cleared up all the way and I could see the forest for the trees… I know when I am feeling down a little bit and not from the fatigue that walks with me, but because, I am being human and not being consumed by the brain traumas…

I am living life and life is living around me, happiness is a misnomer for living…

You could say, the reason I come off as up beat or sunshine or positive… is because I already welcomed death twice and once you been down deaths path, you know how precious every breath is and even if every waking moment isn’t filled with joy, laughter and fun… It is still filled with life, because of the life, I was given after each death…

I will always see the world through my lens of reality and not the false world so many try and push on other humans…

Once you die and come back, you do view things differently and I walked that journey twice that we know of…

Depression for me, has been part of my world since Freda injured my spinal cord at 1 year old… 71 years it has lived inside me and always will have a small corner to contimplate in… (anti depressants made it so much more worse, drugs are not the answer, brain power is)….

I embrace the darkness that lives in me, becaue it always has shared my ride through life and death… How we use the darkness in us, can change more than just our world…

Have a wonderful day, enjoy your moments in time, they never come again…

I remember…

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