#127… Where is the Chaos???

If you have never met someone who is paranoid schizophrenic… It’s defintely an interesting relationship… I dated a guy that was one and knew nothing about the neurological disorder… He was a little on the kinky side, but, a real nice guy, just not my type… But I learned about the illness and it gave me an insight into mine….

That above was around 1989 or 90… After my 4th divorce and we had just come back from Japan on a humanitarian and I think that may have been because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, I couldn’t either until 2025… Medicine is not black and white, nor is mental health…

By the time Homer and I married in 1994, I was fighting a battle with so many drugs the Air Force had me on and the VA continued I screamed uncle and went cold turkey and stopped all the medications, so my brain could clear and my body flush…

By the time the memory trigger in 2017, I was not on medications of any kind and I didn’t go back on anything until 2025 and that’s cholesterol and high blood pressure, which isn’t high, but for my body it is, so I am on low dosage and it made a difference…

Between the stroke at 14 on Japan till the spring of 2025… I lived a chaos not unlike the above mentioned neurological disorder… I had voices and they, not unlike the DUNE character who becomes overwhelmed by thoses voices… I had to silence them one by one and the only way I could do that…

Remember….

2017 memory trigger started my process out of amnesia… I had missing memory up till I was 18 years old and those years on Okinawa, mostly I remember it all… Japan, in 68 till we left in 70… Yea, that’s a blurr because of the stroke and the first 14 years… It’s selective memory only…

I still think I had a silent stroke on the operating table at El Paso VA, but because they covered it up, I will likely never know unless they do a special MRI were they measure the age of the blood stain on the brain and can carbon pin point when the stroke happened… I haven’t $10,000+ and the VA and government already sealed records, so what do you think are my chances of them paying??? Yea my thought too…

It’s a good thing the chaos has subsided, because with Homer’s dementia getting worse, I am taking on all responsibility with our household and I am essentially making sure he stays safe and doesn’t do something we’ll regret and honestly, this is too much property and house for me to micromanage!!!

So, I talk and cushion him for the possibility in a few years I will sell and down size…

I am working our way out of debt, living payday to payday so I can secure the funds needed for his care, but I am nervous…

With costs rising, it’s out pacing what I can afford and I told him, If I have to divorce you so we can get you into the VA care facility I will…

Reality walks with dementia or you set your self up to fail… and that’s a cold reality in America and has been for decades thanks to Reagan and republicans… I may have to divorce my best friend, just so he can have quality care I may not be able to afford or physically do!!!

I exercise, I eat right, I sleep as best my body lets me… But I am it and I know it and that scares me to death and I have the means and way to avoid that pitfall!!!

How many out there don’t????

Homer is outside on the mower doing what he loves, being outside… But the heat and the disease don’t let up and the chaos that once walked with me daily, is now his forever companion…

Amnesia is very much like dementia… I went through the hallucinations and hearing and seeing and doing without any thought, it was reactionary and I watch as Homer does it, but isn’t aware…

I was at least aware, most of the time… Though I have thrown things out and realized later what I did…

That is chaos in control… Not you… And that’s dementia!!!

No everything Homer is experiencing I went through over the last 58 years and to wake and have clarity and not fog or fatigue or chaos… I will fight till my death to never let this peace go…

It will make writing the book that much easier and I know as this year comes to an end, I will continue to see changes in Homer that I can’t stop, because we can’t get the drugs Trump is guarding for himself and his kind… We are living in that kind of world… religious terrorist in America under the guise of white supremecy…

The day is way into it’s self and I have chores and hot weather to contend with… Walked out back to pet the labs next door and look at the swamp…

Bertha dumped enough to where we have 2 inches of standing water and it’s a slip and slide mud bath back there… My trees are dying because they drowned… I give up till something is fixed…

Have a wonderful day… Nada happening here but everyday life and the dog farting under my desk… I am outta of here!!!!……..

I remember…