I knew by the time I left home at 18, things were off…

Failing the entrance exam to the Air Force, not remembering my first love or my best friend… Who’s picture I have in some of these computer files… I remember my first loves name… SSgt Dave L. Hansen… spelling may be wrong… my parents interfered in that, which they later regretted on Okinawa…

Entering the military and I was just as active as always, I endure after the rapes, I endure after the divorces, but I didn’t endure after the rape and attempted murder of my kids on a federal installation… That was the death nail in my career…

Off to Japan with my hubby, and SARS kills and makes many of us so ill, death was knocking and I think that would have been the last or next to last stroke I had…

Sent back to USA on humanitarian and doctors tell me, don’t know what you got… another divorce… I endure, marry and divorce… All the while working for the federal government, which moved me to Omak, where I met Homer… 32 years and counting…

All that back story and what and where in my life is the amnesia????????

The more time goes by, the more clear things get in my memory banks and those banks are busting at the seams… Lots and lots of headaches the last couple months, because of the family and court triggering memory….

But not the memory I am missing…

The memory I am missing is most of my first 14 years of life… As I wrote very early in the blog about the stroke on Japan… When it happened, I remembered… I remembered every sorrid ugly detail… I REMEMBERED!!! But not after the stroke…

From the time I left home at 18… I have been hunting for the lost memories… I have moved all over the world and the USA… and what it took was the murder of 26 innocents in Sutherland Springs, Texas… (see early blog)

I think of that moment in time when I told Homer I have a memory and every time I thought of it since, my hair would stand on end… Not any more… The need and want to know those lost years is fading…

Because, I remember…

The neurologist on Hawaii didn’t think I could get back 50+ years of lost memories… He knew of the MRI’s, that’s why I saw him… He had answers I needed…

When the memory trigger happened, I knew the doc was wrong and so far, it continues to be wrong, but not how you think…

I will never remember what I lost… When the bleed happened, it took my memories forever, it left a gap in my world so huge, I was lost until the trigger… and I know, those memories I am seeing now, just fill in the blanks on the memories I already had, what few I was able to keep by doing the mantra by the bed as the stroke hit after the beating… (see early blog)

I always have hope that, something will trigger it and the wall or the blood stain or the loss will evaporate and I can sit back in awe and go… I REMEMBER!!!! I always have hope…

The memories that are hitting me, fill in the gaps, complete the picture, verify CAPTCHA in my brain… Sometimes I see what I need to see and sometimes its just a memory that doesn’t have anything connected to it… leaving the gaps as they are…

Much like dementia… Amnesia steals from you… What it stole from me, I may never get back, but I will always have hope…

I remember…

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