Wasn’t I a cutie, with that curly hair… That hair went straight, years later… Don’s hair had a wave…

The neuro psychologist I was seeing asked me a question??? Can I recognize false memories??? Of course I said back to him and boy was I wrong on one category… and that category had a lot of romantic, wishful thinking involved with it’s world…

Like any abuse you live in, war, domestic, terrorist, stranger danger… forgetting it can turn into PTSD nightmares and mine did… but I had dreams too, in my waking hours and those dreams… imploded in the last year with the realization… I don’t know these people at all and I should have listend to Don before he died and he told me what he thought each one of those bearing his name would do and I’ll be a son of a bitch… He was right… yea, I am laughing…

Larry and I, oh how I wish I could tell you stories about my older brother, but my memories of him are limited in my childhood to 2 memories and those memories never jived with what Freda said and I knew she was lying… PTSD… Not always a ugly memory…

We protected the younger kids… Freda’s idea of discipline wasn’t even on any level of humane and my body bears those scars from head to toes… I do wonder why she left me in the WILL… But it did afford me a opportunity to let a few people find out what I thought of them… You do for others and never take and they shit on you… Well, next time provide toilet paper…

False memories played into how I felt about my surviving siblings and it makes sense now why Freda reacted to my statement… She was smart, just incapable of telling the truth and like Trump got caught in her own trap and that trap… Well her end of life, was less than it should have been, because the worse of us was in charge… I’ll never understand cruelty, but plenty of it has been used the last few years of Freda’s life…

Getting past my false memories, hasn’t opened any windows into the 14 years I am missing… I keep searching and hoping something or anything will give those years back to me and like the neuro doc said…

I’ll have to face, like a computer hard drive, I have unretrevable information gone forever… It doesn’t scare me like it used to… Knowing I was missing memory… Becasue now I know why I am missing memory…

Freda…

I remember…

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