Reliving it in my Waking Hours…

Recently, instead of me having PTSD nightmares, now I am seeing the moments in time from the past while I am wide awake… Oh yea for reliving abuse!!!

I woke at 1:30AM in pain and that pain, is exactly where Don hit me on Okinawa in Naha AFB housing and knocked me across the room and this morning after I get up after taking a 900MG NSAID at 1:30AM for that pain, that moment in time decided I needed to see it while I was wide awake, minus the coffee of course!!!

***1970 front yard of base housing on Okinawa at Naha AFB…***

We had been moved from Johnson AFB to Naha AFB… Don was stationed at Yokota AFB and now he was assigned to Kadena AFB…

We spent our first few months there in a hotel…

Maggi, Kubasaki High School dance, circa 1970, hotel outside Kadena AFB

Now the question arises with me, how come my hair is short in the first picture but not in this picture??? Something is wrong in whoville!!!

When we got to Okinawa, riots had been happening against the Americans and when we arrived and had to stay in a hotel while waiting for housing, we were escorted to our bus’s by security police from the base…

IF you look at my smile in the above dress up picture, you’ll notice, my jaw isn’t off kilter…

I wrote how as I was leaving the house to go to my bowling league Don and Freda were arguing and I made a comment as I crossed in front of Don and the next thing, his right hand gets me upside the left side of my face and cheek and I am flying through the air and when I get up…

I tell the bastard, you ever touch me again and you are a dead man…

Don was 6ft 4 in and always over 250 pounds…

Well Freda pipes up and tells Don he shouldn’t have done that and well, go back and read the early blog…

So why the write???

I saw a dentist this week and we talked implants and things he said, made me realize, maybe I am not a candidate for maxillary implants, but then the surgeon who removed the ones that were put in said they were never in the right place to begin with… So, now what???

I wake up in the middle of the night in pain an it’s that area Don hit on Okinawa back in 71 that caused another bleed on the brain and it’s rearing it’s ugly head in pain and I need to know why???

I saw loads of ENT’s doctors early on and we know, I have non stop allergies and as long as I have dogs I WILL HAVE ALLERGIES… then throw smoking pot in the mix, which is a weed and I am allergic to weeds!!! So!! Am I creating my own problems???

AS long as you don’t smoke after implants for at least a couple months, you’ll be okay, but that’s not how it worked out for me… and I get to thinking, is it my bone and my sinus hangs lower???

I see the oral surgeon Wednesday and if he can do a CT scan of my facial areas, it should show any old fractures and it should show if my sinus sits real low and it should show if I have enough bone… I know the mandibal isn’t going to work, unless I have bone grafts and lets be real, the VA won’t even pay for me to see a GYN/Urology specialist!!! So Dental, yea, not likely…

The fact that my head was Freda’s favorite target and the fact that the last blow to my body was my head and it was done by Don!!!!

All that nerve damage, allergies and tension…. Yea, you got me, but at least, seeing the professional’s that do this work daily and not selectively, I’ll get the answer’s I didn’t get on Hawaii… and if the VA won’t pay for it, can we afford for me to do it???

Right now, that’s a no… I have to have a certain amount in savings before Homer transitions into the next phase of dementia, because that phase, I will need to hire help and at $20+ a hour, I could go broke real fast…

At least this next weeks appointment will give me answers and information so I can make an informed decision… The VA should be paying for all this, but, women veterans are getting shafted right and left, right now because of Hegseth and Trump… I know, I got bills on Homer, that were paid under the last administration, but because I am a woman, they won’t pay them under Trump and if I don’t want my credit fucked up, I have no choice but to pay and watch that money go down the drain… Catch 22, thanks to christians and republicans…

That’s it… Now I am reliving the abuse during my waking hours… I have gone from PTSD nightmares, to actually watching the memories play out while I am awake… 72 years of life and it really feels like my memory thing is resetting and between you and me, I hope not… I didn’t like remembering everything before the stroke at 14, I really don’t wanna go back to that…

Besides, having a hiccup in my short term memory isn’t all bad, not great, but not all bad… why??? Because I got lots and lots of bad ugly memory I would just as soon not relive…

I remember…