You Feel the Eyes, but Can’t See Them…

Camping was my favorite thing to do, with little costs and much reward… Now camping is a distant memory as I gaze at the 5th wheel we bought for trips to Disney World, then dementia entered our world on official terms…

As Homer slips into the exclusive world of dementia, I ask questions… Questions I would other wise speculate about, likely be right about… But, you know, that reassurance on your own thoughts confirmed by another brain???… So I ask…

I was a people magnet by the time I hit puberty and on… Sexual assault was something that became a part of my life, till Homer and I married…

The last assault, was a few months before our marriage… Some one is always thinking they have a right to your body, because they have mental illness… Why else take what isn’t yours???

My home was a revolving door of kids, people, lovers, friends and very very few family… That enigma played it’s self out the last 20 years… Since Don’s death…

Last night in my dreams, I felt like I was having a battle royale in my brain with myself… and if I had to hazard a guess why the fight, I would say…

Amnesia is trying to break free and I either am not interested, which would belie my writing or I am going to have a break through that would wreck the books on psychology and neurology, because we are fast approaching 58 years of said amnesia…

It was fall when Big Springs, Texas changed my life forever…

My ability has been characterized as empathic or altruistic…

To me, it’s only me, being me and who I always was… with a few dozen traumatic brain injuries…

I do make people uncomfortable and Homer has seen me make a bank president literally shake in his shoes, a couple of presidential appointee’s got fired and those that stepped into replace them, showed their fear when contacting me…

I accept I have an ability that is natural, and not one I abuse…

I know I make people uncomfortable, online or in person… because they can’t hide the real person they exhibit… Even online, real people express their true selves and if you don’t have that self awareness or critical thinking, you miss the subtle hints of real bigotry… I see it daily…. Subtle, but it is there…

Last night was a fun night of me taking on me… not sure who won the fight, no black eyes this morning, so when I got up to hit the throne, I told my other self to piss off and went back to sleep…

Still don’t know what the fight was about… A rematch is likely in the future…. They always come around more than once, these memories from long ago… some with a message and some, just living life and enjoying the ride…

I find I can’t help myself being so observant of everything and filing it away as if it has value, when it’s just me watching as the world around me keeps moving and I don’t want to miss a thing…

I hope, my nights don’t slip back into PTSD nightmares…

Yes, not everything is resolved and they may never be resolved…

I have never not dreamed… and some dreams came to be… Not seeing the future, it just showed me the psychology behind the actions of those involved and it played out exactly like psychology said it woud… Because???

Choices… We all make them, we just don’t bother to look at the long term reactions to said choices early in life…

That is my gift… and why I was given the nickname worry wart or Lucy from the Peanuts comic…

More like Dr. Strange doing the billions of calculations on beating Thanos and he comes up with just 1, only 1…

But 1 is all you need…

My world is changing and this is one time I am not stepping out of it… This time, I am going to let it play out they way it should have decades ago… but if it had, decades ago??? I would not know Homer…

Choices and I chose to use my ability to make my world as safe and secure as I can…

Enough melancholy… Have a wonderful day….

I remember…