I’ve Never Known it, so I can’t miss it….

Gender reveal starts a fire… honest yahoos, sonograms or ultra sounds will tell you the sex of the baby if you got to know so badly, an the sad thing is, they are likely all christians, an doesn’t your god want it to be a mystery???

I mean your god is a mystery, you aren’t allowed to question it, you aren’t allowed to demand it present its self… so christians is your god from Slithering, Hufflepuff or is it a Griffindorf????

No matter how you slice it, they believe in fantasy, because reality is to ugly for them to live in… just like my story is to difficult to read, huh Suzi??? just wow on bigotry by the religious… just beyond wow…

So why did I sit down to write, to complain about the yahoos who are into magic and superstition or write about my own accomplishments and toot my own horn??? Not one person I know toots a horn for me, so I guess… I’m the narrator… so lets go for a ride back in time to now… Magic carpet, start your engine….

I woke with a start, always from the same nightmare….

I was about 1 to 1 1/2 years old and I was walking an giggling and had just made it to the TV and felt the warmth on my backside an then the pain… the back pain that has never quit… the back pain that is in my military records in 1977…. an the memory is gone… an I lost 3 years of my life…. but like any kid, TV was fun, because of kid stuff and we got to be on a TV show and I was talked too… an at one time I remembered nothing from that point on… but that changed this summer after the last MRI… an I do remember…

I look down at the lumps that protrude out of my skin in my arms, legs, an torso…. an the mind flash’s on the old fashion ruler and how she hit me repeatedly with it and used her hands to slap my head back an forth, leaving severe bruising on my right an left temple as seen in the front page picture an spinal cord injury…

the beating was a result of Freda being embarrassed… oh yea an Peggy got slapped once… I was 5 years old when that beating happened and the memories are consistent…

By the time Freda got embarrassed again, the older brother an younger sister threw me under the bus and I lost a whole year and a grade… just because they were embarrassed by their own behavior an needed an outlet for their frustration… so my 8 year old body was the punching bag… my avatar picture is the end result of that beating… those hand prints were meant to kill on my neck and they did…

By the time Don went to Vietnam an got sent back on emergency, things stayed the same… Peggy was a tattle tell and I was always being hit, because of her lying an just a FYI, she told me as recent as 2017, she is a child of god… need I say more???

The baby born and my life extinguished an abused again less than a year later… an by the time Okinawa gets here I am 17 and I don’t remember my first 17 years of life with my family….

There was no complete void of memory… how it worked for me… an what I see as my possible path to regaining the memories the Neurologist an I think might be not gone for good…. is what I did on Japan, after Texas an the near death experience…

The memory I found recently shows that I knew, after the beating on Japan, that I had some kind of stroke and if I didn’t practice a mantra, I wouldn’t miss the memories, the christians I lived among, had stolen….

I started with the toddler beating, because I knew I had a spinal cord injury and shaken baby injuries… after that memory was made to be remembered without much effort, I moved on to the Tv interview and associated that memory with a current one and did the same on down the line, till I was on Japan, in that bedroom fighting for survival an practicing a mantra to remember the abuse….

I didn’t tell myself to remember the good times, because at 14 with multiple severe TBI’s and concussions… I knew, I had nothing good to remember… nothing solid, no relationships, no friendships, no love no respect…. no, what made me remember the mantra….. Fear of losing Margie forever…

You can’t miss what you never had… I never had a family, I had jailers… I never had a sister… I had a key holder to my cell… I didn’t have parents…. I had abusers and they taught their children to be just like them… all of them… all 6…

I make 7…… I escaped… how…

Because you can’t miss what you never had, an I never had a family an I knew that as young as toddler age….

I sit back roll my shoulders back, feel the pain in my left shoulder… the broken collar bone is letting me know it’s there… an yet, I can’t tell you when it got broken…

This peace… this resolve to move on an accept… oh my goodness, this is what I have been waiting for an I just got chicken skin as they say on Hawaii…

Freda holds no sway, Peggy never did an Larry, he was just a tool that Freda used, like she did with all her children… my sister… she just tried to be like her mini me… mommy….

At one time, turning my back on my past would not have been possible…

I am a mother, who’s sons would rather have any other parent… Wish granted… you learned the games of your grandparents and aunts an uncles an learned nothing from me… your life is what you made of it… an what you deserve… because as it is obvious, I had no say… I close the door and toss the key…

I am a sister, who’s siblings I gave a home to, or a vehicle or property or truth… what did they do to me… ??? Believe the mother an Peggy & Larry… I close the door an happily throw away the key….

I am a daughter, who has never had a close relationship with any woman on this planet and that is a fact… even now… I couldn’t be manipulated and I couldn’t be brainwashed into believing rape is immaculate… I close the door with a full and happy heart… she lost me with the first blow as a toddler, she was never a mother, she was an abuser…

I am a wife… tried that path 6 times and I will be honest, not every day, makes me want to stay married… it’s all the other days that made me want to stay with it… He has been the only one to work hard an earn my trust… because for me, without trust, we have no relationship, we have no honesty between us… only what you can get out of me, in the guise of love or friendship… hubby took the whole ball of wax an earned his place next to me…

The role mother, daughter, sister, aunt or friend…. No one else thought I was worth the time to earn me, instead, they called when they wanted and needed from me… that last act, played out last year… I have no more words of promise out there to fulfill or keep, why…

Because no one has bothered to earn it… damn that does sound like christians… even though some profess they aren’t, they practice it…

I’ve been waiting for this to come around an get to a point, where I can say with conviction an with peace….

I tried… with a broken body and brain, at least I tried…

Not one among you, can say you did the same for me… except hubby…#6…

Not ONE among you…..

Mom, daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother

Adorable Spite… looking for her forever home…

Truth has value, I can’t tell a lie, because thanks to my brain injuries, I don’t remember them… but I will always remember the truth, because of the brain damage christians gave me… the gift from man made gods…

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