Which Way Did IT Go???

Ya know, I wouldn’t wish my life on my worse enemy… though I should have a list like Sheldon had… but that takes thinking, writing and doing stupid… I do enough of that already…. so, no list of enemies…

The cognitive part of this journey, will never be what it once was and from time to time, I will blurt out exactly what I’m thinking… As with all things, like don’t be in the kitchen with me, when I’m handling knives, cause they could go flying… my brain will let loose of the lips and let it rip… not a fart either… geez….

Yesterday, the fog happened a couple of times and that was after activity and the heat in my skull hit… it’s already hot enough this time of year, without me generating my own heating pad in my head…

So, I’m betting, that explains loads of times, when I was working and couldn’t do, what I was trained to do… and my last federal boss, used it against me… So I quit and walked away from the retirement check… that was 1996….USDA Okanogan county…. the dude was a total prick…

I had no clue back then what was happening and I know Spokane VA was working on figuring it out and not sure if it was the surgery in 96 that put my neck out of place, but betting it did, because the ear ringing started after that surgery and it was full sedation, tube down throat……

So the clues were there, but the inflammation from the cervical stenosis, no one picked up ever, till now… was active since childhood… injuries were the clue to the times the spinal cord was injured and made the stenosis worse and progress faster…

College educated and license does not make you smart, it gives you an excuse to fuck up… and boy did the Air Force, Navy, Army and VA fuck up… and I got the records and their rhetoric to prove it… in writing…. thank you federal employees….

So …. just wow… Cognitively, now I’m aware of what causes the fog, and I get why they thought FMS… but it never was… it was Cervical stenosis with myelopathy and blunt force trauma… to my whole body by christians….

Still amazes me… I worked as a teenager, went into the military and served over 5 years, had children, worked for the federal government and never went on welfare, except after the rape with my first child…

Not bad for a stupid person, huh Freda????

I tell ya, no matter what I’m doing, waking or sleeping… it’s a constant battle to work the muscles and make things hold me upright… I can feel the changes, but I have such a long way to go… an our exercise stuff arrived, so hubby going to get mail this morning so we can set it up and make use of it, to help me build my back muscles…

Every issue I bring forward to the PT kids, I can trace back to when the injury happened…. Boo Freda, I remember more than you ever wanted me too….

So neurology was right… I will get all my memories back… maybe… still have one more MRI and if that MRI shows what I’m afraid it will show… it confirms that Peg was groomed to replace me…. mental illness at it’s best… I’m hoping all they find, is damage to the Medulla or lower on the stem… that’s what I’m hoping they find…

Yet again, they may find nothing… If I was given any kind of human growth hormone when I was little, which, to me, doesn’t make sense, because human trials didn’t start till late 50’s early 60’s… but their is still much, I haven’t seen yet… an they gave that stuff by injection and still do today or you can buy Seriovital in the store in pill form…

The memories tease me, with a hint… because of a smell, or sound or action…

Nope, not near done with filling in the blanks in my memory files…

As for the medical side of this mess… that is coming to an end… you can’t fix what has been for decades… but I can make things more functional…

Like I said about the cognitive… I’m aware, I can tell the chemical reaction in the brain is changing… so, that puts me in the driver’s seat… lets hope it lets me shift from what is happening to a more condusive and productive behavior… which seems to be where it’s headed…

Doesn’t mean I dont’ get pissed… it just means, emotions are just that… human emotions, feelings and they are controllable and mailable… which makes working with an injured brain that much easier…

I got a feeling I offended ex mom in law… just a hunch… but you know what… I never lied to her, she had no problem lying to me… disrespected me and we are pretty much done, because you’ll do it again, because you already did it once… goes for all of you, you did it once, you’ll do it again… and relationships will never be what you want with us…

That’s the rude awakening our kids, grandkids and family and friends will find out… we aren’t going to accept that kind of christian behavior that gives you an excuse to disrespect us… you’ll stay on the outside looking in… Emotions are just that… and they are controllable… so were your choices to disrespect me or us….

Adorable Spite… bangers are out and we are waiting on that loud siren to show up…. could have used it at 2AM this morning… sleep, so want some sleep…

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