I hate being Right…. all the time….

I can remember on Okinawa, how I struggled with my posture and our mother showed us the model walk with the book on top of the head… I never could do it… I was 17… just a couple years before I couldn’t walk the balance beam in high school on Japan…. just a couple years before that, I remembered every day of my life and those around me…. a couple years before that and I lost time and repeated a grade…. a year before that…

I was climbing trees, crawling around like any tomboy, building forts, digging tunnels, walking the plank in a abandoned industrial park 14 feet up in the air on the foundation supports, the building was gone… a couple years before that I told the truth in a TV interview and when I got home I was beaten so severly, she took pictures for me to use as my picture on my front page… gotcha…

The picture is of her digging her fingers into my fractured arm, with the fractured wrists and broken fingers and blunt force trauma from the head to the toes and she hit, so hard with that old fashion ruler… those old rulers were thick, because they lasted… the fractures in my body remind me of that daily and she hit me so hard I danced to get away… not knowing she had injuried my spinal cord… but the clue was there…. that night….

AS I Lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to take… as I sobbed into my pillow, both wrist hurt, the fingers mangled the back in so much pain, and it happened, the tingling at the base of my spine…. I was only 5 years old and my body completely broken…..no doctors, no medicine for the pain… just the words do you want it again… so I didn’t complain… of the pain….

Fast forward to 60 years later, about the same time she beat me… this time of year… picture evidence shows the blunt force trauma and the evidence is my body… which, truthfully, Freda Wish’s it was 6 feet under…. just one problem… I still got 5 of those 9 lives left….

PT was good, I like the young lady, she worked on me the last time I saw them a couple years ago and helped me get function back in me left leg… and she see’s progress and trouble… the hunch back has started… so hopefully with the exercise equipment I ordered and what they teach both of us… that will reverse…. as I force myself to straighten up… always been a issue, now I have 60 years of damage to reverse… wonder how I’ll look in a bikini???

So lots of work ahead…. waiting on the MRI, haven’t gotten a call from the lab yet… but we are in a pandemic, so new normal…

Cognitively… I’m understanding what I have lived with since the beating at 5… remember I mentioned it happened…. after that beating???

When I scratch my lower back, an it’s been like this since that beating at 5 years old… I don’t feel scratching of any kind…. I feel tingling and it is the most insane sensation and one that can scartch yourself raw…. so when It happened, shortly after the beating at that age… that was when it happened…

I told myself at that moment in time…. Never let anyone give you an epideral or spinal tap… now how a child of that age would know that information…. I can’t answer… I just know it was the message I gave myself as I gave into the pain of the abuse and went into survival mode and from what I see… that is exactly what I did, everytime they injured my spinal cord or brain…. I have never let anyone put a needle in my back… boy did they try… I did natural child birth both times…

IQ has no value to me, because mine was off the chart as a child and christians did everything they could to destroy it… they almost did… and the Air Force and the VA….. those 9 lives dwindled down to 5…. and I intend to live them…..

I am learning it’s all about the inflammation and how it impacts my brain and cognitive ability…. some days I surprise myself, with the amount of knowledge I have retained…. and I’m truly tired of being distracted by this journey…. but to put PTSD to bed fully and completely…

I have to finish what I started….. and tell the story of abuse in the name of mans god and idols….

I remember…. Margie….

Adorable Spite…..

This write made little sense to me… too tired…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s