Okay, I did stupid…

PT told me, you feel wobbly or weak, take a day off from doing the exercises… and I thought this morning, okay, I’m just a little sore in the thighs, no big deal… well, not so fast… because, the way I’m walking, you would think I was a toddler… that wobbly….

So, tomorrow no workout on the lower half, just do my upper body and let my legs catch up with the upper half…. oh dear…

I did get the workout done this morning, but, I’m paying for it… I got a feeling, when that strap thing we mount that has handles, we might want to say maybe, blow the air mattress up and put it behind us… just saying, I know us and what we do without trying to hurt ourselves… we old young farts…

The mental health side of this journey… just wow, holy crap on a cracker kind of wow… over the last couple of months, with the swelling in my neck going down when it realigned… the brain has been in over drive with memories… I don’t need TV… my brain is my entertainment…

I recognized the mild depression and I got a feeling that is something I may always live with because of the TBI & stroke… add some narrowing of my spinal situation… the brain gets it’s fair share of heat and over load, really don’t know how to explain what I live with and have lived with, since at least Texas… it could be longer… but this memory thing isn’t over by a long shot…

What gets me… I have gone back an relived 3 of my marriages, why??? I got no clue… I, me, myself don’t have a whole lot of say over what Margie brings forward… but when Maggi’s world gets invloved… it just tells me, cognitively, I still survived without the man or his teaching … college educated just means you passed tests… I’ve seen over a 100 doctors and specialist and it took the murder of 26 innocents in Sutherland Springs, Texas to give me my life back… Not doctors charging me for their lack of knowledge…. beyond sighs….

But, mentally, I’m happy… the justification behavior is gone… and the doubt is gone… what scares me the most, something I’ved talked about a couple of times… What I did in Japan, to block my memory ability…

When I did, what I did at 14… it was so I could survive, because I knew if I couldn’t deal with it, my life wouldn’t be much longer, she was pushing me so close to that edge with her manipulation, throw in a sister hell bent on being me… I had to chose…

What did I chose… when I get to that part of the memory, I’ll be the first to know… I can see me in the bedroom in the off base house on Japan and I can remember coming out of the beating, with time lost and I knew in that moment of awakening from that trauma, to survive, I had to bury the memories, so I did…

They are all there… every last one… From toddler to 18 when I walked out that door, looking to the future that was going to be one hell of a ride… I mean come on, I’ve been married 6 times before the age of 40… Who does that??? Liz Taylor… yep the mental side of this and seeing I was text book dead on with my behavior, until the brain started waking up from it’s nightmare, that Freda could have ended any time…. such good christians…

I sit here, my shoulders down and fully aware when I brought them up in tension on that last paragraph and dropped them with a sigh…. It’s so good to be back to who I am…

TBI changes us… but if you know of your injuries… you are way ahead of me…

I’m still remembering all that they did… All of them and because of that, the mild depression will be with me until I have resolved, all that can be resolved… that is why our next home choice is so crucial…

Either we have honest relationships with people or we continue to live the life of empty nesters… our move has meaning to us and can’t and won’t be manipulated by childish behavior… Adulting isn’t easy and I plan to never grow up, that being said, I will always own my life, not hide from it…. besides… I got 6 left….

Margie, I remember….

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