PTSD Knocked on the door all night….

In the Air Force, when they were covering up the rape and attempted murder of my kids… and I had to see a shrink, so they could come up with some excuse to push me out, since I had done no wrong… I asked the shrink this question in 1982….

“Can you change your personality”???? He said… “Not really”……………..

Needless to say, by this time I had been on the hormone replacement therapy for a full hysterectomy at 28 years old, and I knew my personality had been changing and didn’t realize it was chemical induced… man made chemical….

By the time we got to Japan and the surgeon saved my life…. they had me on Premarin… and my nightmare started in full….

Body recovering from strokes I didn’t know about… the likely hood that I had a stroke after leaving home at 18, is very slim… I have no loss of memory… just during the first 18 years of life… am I missing time….

I was cranky this morning, from the time I got out of bed, till we went on our mile walk…. not yelling cranky or lashing out… just raised voice on the issues at hand that bugged me… an as we walked back to the house… I looked at hubby and said… PTSD nightmares and he said, yep….. a pattern has emerged… and we both recognize…

It’s a step in the right direction… could I tell you what I dreamed about… NOPE… and that is frustrating… I just know, for a fact, I have never had bad dreams, except about trauma in my life….

I have never had a time when I didn’t dream…. that I can remember…. the PTSD nightmares started after the first beating, the one I call the TV interview beating at 5 years old… that wrist hurts to this day and the little finger, never was set and is crooked still…..

I get that PTSD can live with us forever… and since mine started in childhood, that is a obvious statement… 60 years later… but the way I handle the PTSD and the night long nightmares is different…

I may never get over the PTSD… but it’s not in control, like it was before….

No, now I am in control of the emotional part of this journey and that has been exhibited a lot lately in our home… the way I am dealing with the dental issues…. the lack of health care via the VA… and after I pay the last hospital bill for my eyes… doc is referring me out under medicare and I give up on the VA…. I have questions that need answering and preferably before I die….

I can get mad and frustrated all I want and spin my wheels, by letting the VA have any control… I choose not to do that… If no implants, we are out of here next year… and by the time that gets here, we will have hammered out our options and picked the one that will work best for us and go home…..

Ancestry has been fun, finding out I am only 24% British/Irish about the same French/German, toss in the Scandinavian, Asian and African…. yea… DNA testing is the most fun science I have ever done…… the Indian from India, explains the ability to tan up the way I used too… but Melnoma runs in Fredas family and out of the sun is where this sun baby is today….

So, in many ways the PTSD is leaving the house… Hubby is working on his demon and learning, I hope… and the pattern of behavior is changing… it just takes time and right now, time is something we have lots of….

For me… I can feel it and see it… and holding my tongue, not something I do often… but I am learning the grace that Margie once had, is coming back into play… and I smile of a recent incident by a Hawaiian… and I smile at her lack of Aloha…

Much like watching christians in action… you hope they get help… but bigotry will prevail for centuries to come….

As for neurology… I have had the extensive psych testing 6 times now… all but the Air Force, were the same result… PTSD… so no more psych testing… I want EEG that may give me more insight into the abnormal brain wave and referal back for the neuropathy and get retested… I think my nerves on the autonomic are just about dead in my arms, which means muscle memory is all that is keeping them functioning… and if I am right… my legs are in the same boat… worse than being diabetic…..

Questions will be answered, even If I have to pay and PTSD… I am just along for the ride as the driver…. I just sometimes fall asleep at the wheel and suffer the consequences, of a bad nights sleep…..

I Remember… Margie….. Sgt. USAF DAV

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