When Fears Walks With You… pg 5…

Flight or fight… I really hate that one mechanism we all have… for some, they never overcome the flight mode and will turn and never stand up against anything… even if it means their life… the mind can be our own worse enemy…. and after the Japan beating… that is exactly where my brain and body went to… until….

Nov 7, 2017…. but that is another story….

How does it feel to live in constant state of anxiety and no one recognizes the symptoms, not even all the mental health professionals I saw, from 1977 to 2010… Not one caught the fact that I was in that mode… my blood work didn’t show me having an abundance of cortisol in the blood stream, the doctor tested me at El Paso VA in 2010 or at least before 2013…. 12 full tubes of blood over a 4 hour test session…. so how did I cope, with living in a psychological war of fight or flight for so long… that is what this page is going to speak of…

After we got to Okinawa, I started making memories… We had to stay in a hotel, while waiting for base housing… So Peg and I got a room just down the hall from Freda & Don and the 3 little siblings… Want to know how to save money and make ends meet… Freda could cook any meal in an electric skillet and feed all of us, she even made David’s birthday cake in the electric skillet….

We moved to Naha after the holidays and I have a picture of base housing that I have posted before… but here it is again…

Jim Yettman Okinawa 1972 - Copy

These were some guys I knew that were Vietnam bound… Anyhow, things were quiet for a time and I still walked with fear… always watching myself, even though I had lost so many years by that time and the Japan beating was a few years old… and I do remember high school and I was a terrible student as far as my grades go, so I think the stroke had that impact and lack of motivation to do the work… and I was very bored and a teacher did touch me inappropriately… so I didn’t have much going for me to help me deal with all I had been through… but, that one little word… I was making memories…

By the summer of 71, things had been quiet for our household… no major fights, in fact, life had settled down to what some would call a normal behavior pattern…. I spent my time burning up dad’s lawnmowers, cutting other people’s yards, babysitting and most of all having fun dating GI’s… men in uniform… I never had any interest in kids my age… like I have said before… I was born old… and now I am old….

But the fight or flight wasn’t a big deal… and I remembered, I always had something to say and 9 times out of 10… it pissed off the parents… but those buttons were so easy to push… all about body language and I do like studying people….

The time passed, and I got involved with school activity and got raped by one of Don’s Airman… and wanted to quit the activity and Freda would not let me, because she was friends with the mother that ran the activity… I never mentioned the rape… I knew Don would kill the airman and that would be the end of his military career and who knew where we would end up….. but, there is a story hidden in here…..

The summer of 71, I was hanging with some guys and one of them I named my oldest son after… he was a great big brother… hope he and his wife had lots of kids and family after he left Vietnam…. So these guys would meet me at the bowling alley on Saturday morning, I was in a junior league and by this time I am 17 years old and like I said making memories…. and that mouth of mine with a quick remark was in full gear…

As I was leaving the house, Don and Freda were arguing and as I walked by, I made a comment and the next thing I know I am picking myself up off the floor and as I turn to leave the house I looked at Don and told him…. “Ever lay a hand on me again and I will kill you”…. as I walked out the door Freda said…. “Don you shouldn’t have done that”…

And the flight or fight mode took root and grew….. and it continued to grow for decades…. From 1971 to 2017… that flight or fight mode has been an integral part of me….

I have been told I have crazy courage, because of how I handle things during a time of life or death…. at one time I would have said it was just my training for how to handle emergencies…. that wasn’t true….

I was in survival mode after that blow in 1971…. and as I walked away to go to that bowling alley… I knew something was wrong, but too ignorant to comprehend it… I was losing my childhood memories with every step to that bowling alley at Naha AFB…. I was losing my siblings… I was loosing my fear and I was loosing Margie….

All with the final blow any human on this planet has ever done to Margie… that last blow to my head in 1971…. finished the job of taking my childhood with it…. and I allowed it to happen and I took those blank pages and rewrote my childhood, in such a way…

It took me decades to clear the chalk board of the fantasy world I built, so I could survive and tell Margies story….

We left Okinawa a year later and there are many stories to tell of our time, someday I will….

When we arrived back on the mainland and we are being taken to Uncles house, I made a comment on the ride and Freda in the back seat says you want to get slapped and my auntie Pat said to Freda, she’s 18 isn’t she and Freda goes yea… and Pat says, do you want to go to jail???

And I turned and looked Freda in the eyes and smiled that evil grin she had given to me so many times in my first 18 years on this earth….

Check Mate… the journey continues…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her ability to mimic Freda… which pissed Freda off to no end….big grin on my face…..lol


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